Am I really a good teacher?

Sometimes I think I am a great teacher and I think my students think that too. Then certain things happen and you wonder if you really are. I know somepeople don't care if they are or not, but to me it is important. I feel like if I am good at something then I am making a difference or something like that. So 3 years ago I was nominated for a teaching award. I then got observed by 3 different faculty members and then this committee meets and decides who is the best and they win (cash money here people). So I didn't win my first year-no big deal, there are about 15 people competing for the award and they tend to give it to the older folks. Well, you automatically qualify to be in the running the next year if you don't win. So last year I again was observed 3 times and yet again did not win. Oh well I thought. So again this year I get observed by 3 more people and I again find out I didn't win. Then I start wondering, what if I just by accident got nominated 3 years ago and now just keep getting rolled over into the next year. Who knows if I really am a effective teacher or not.

I also had decided to apply to a program called Preparing the Professoriate about a month and a half ago. I had to write up some things-a resume, teaching philosophy, etc... What happens is in the fall I would sit in on an upper level class (Abstract Algebra) and then next spring I would get to teach it. This is an area that a lot of my research is in and I really enjoy it so that is why I chose to apply. Well, I received a letter yesterday saying that I was not chosen. I can still actually sit in the class and then teach it, but again I did not get accepted into the program-meaning it won't go on my resume and I do not receive the great $2000 that goes along with it. ($2000 is a lot for someone who doesn't make hardly any $$!!!)

I was pretty upset yesterday about the whole thing. I have been thinking about applying to industry jobs, in particular the NSA and CIA (both pay really well) and this whole not getting these awards has confirmed my whole decision about that. So who knows, maybe I won't be teaching when I am done with this whole ph.d thing.

Oh-and Mom just so you know I changed the settings on my blog so you-or anyone can leave comments now. :)