I got an email from a friend saying how it seems from my blog (and probably facebook status updates) that I love motherhood. I emailed her back with the truth about what is going on. Maybe it seems like I put up a good front on the blog, or maybe it is just that I only post a few times a week, with not much going on.
There are days when I cry all the time. Cry when she is feeding, cry because I am tired, cry just because (maybe it is the hormones). The first almost 4 weeks have been difficult. Or maybe more like the last two weeks by myself have been difficult, I don't know it is hard to distinguish. Having EZ at work all day and me at home all day seems great, right...I get to spend lots of time with her. But the reality is, there are some days that she doesn't nap (or hardly nap at all). On those days, I think I might go off the deep end. I am tired from not sleeping at night and then I don't get to nap. It is these days too that she wants to eat nonstop-I think because she doesn't know what else to do. This doesn't make me happy either.
I don't like breastfeeding. There, I said it. I actually googled "hate breastfeeding" to see if there were other people that felt the same way. Luckily there are. I think people paint this pretty picture of motherhood and breastfeeding and all that but maybe it just isn't me. I don't like leaking everywhere (especially when she is feeding on one side and the other side is just like a faucet). I don't like how much it hurts. I don't like pumping (although I will say that this is less painful than breastfeeding and takes half as long). I don't like having to walk around with my shirt practically off most of the day. I can never get comfortable when I am feeding her. My friend said something about comparing it to a cow and milking, and you know what, that is how I feel...like some cow that gets milked a dozen times a day.
I will say, now that we gave her a bottle, I feel a little better. But then this is how last night went:
10:00pm-I fed her. EZ was going to take the next feed so I could sleep for a good chunk of time.
Midnight- she was fussy (I was still awake)...I fixed her swaddle so her arms were out and she went back to sleep.
1:00am-EZ fed her.
3:00am she was fussy but not really awake (but I of course was listening to her)
4:00am-feeding time. I went in and she was all wet through her swaddle and nightgown. So I changed her which she didn't like. And fed her for 20+ min. Swaddled her back up and laid her down to which she woke back up and was all fussy again. I tried to soothe her and nothing...but I smelt that she had pooped and yup she had. So go to changed diaper number 2 and clean her up and she peed all over diaper 3 and herself as I am changing her. By now we are wide awake and it is 4:45am. So I feed her again. 20+ more min of eating a little then almost fall asleep then wake up. Finally I got up and pumped the other side while she fed off the one side because I was just leaking everywhere. Then she spit up everything she ate all over me. So I fed her a little more.
By the time all is said and done and I get her back in bed it is 5:30. Now when EZ was up with his feeding it was 15 min...me 1 1/2 hours. And I was actually awake then. What is wrong with this picture.
At 6:10am she was crying again. What the heck, it has only been 40 min child. I woke EZ up and told him to go try to calm her down because I couldn't do it.
By 7:30 she wanted to eat again and so I fed her again.
By 9:00 we had eaten a handful more times of like 10 min at a time and spit up everything about the same number of times.
At 9:30 I left for a run because I needed to get out of the house. :)
When I fed her again at 11:00 for 45 min and then she just yawns and yawns but doesn't want to sleep for 30 min, that is when I start to go crazy. I just laid her down and let her fuss for a while while I finally ate something and EZ went to calm her down (which took another 30 min).
These are the days that I want to crawl into a hole.
See, it isn't all hearts and cuddles and kisses and sweet motherhood (at least for me). On the flip side, everyone seems to tell me that at about 2 months everything gets better...breastfeeding, sleep, everything. So I guess I am halfway there.
OK...so enough of the bad news. Here are a few pictures from this week.
Here I am in my stylish golf attire:
I found my fingers to suck on one day during a nap:
Look I have a birthmark on my hand just like mommy: