Sunday, August 08, 2010


I got an email from a friend saying how it seems from my blog (and probably facebook status updates) that I love motherhood. I emailed her back with the truth about what is going on. Maybe it seems like I put up a good front on the blog, or maybe it is just that I only post a few times a week, with not much going on.

There are days when I cry all the time. Cry when she is feeding, cry because I am tired, cry just because (maybe it is the hormones). The first almost 4 weeks have been difficult. Or maybe more like the last two weeks by myself have been difficult, I don't know it is hard to distinguish. Having EZ at work all day and me at home all day seems great, right...I get to spend lots of time with her. But the reality is, there are some days that she doesn't nap (or hardly nap at all). On those days, I think I might go off the deep end. I am tired from not sleeping at night and then I don't get to nap. It is these days too that she wants to eat nonstop-I think because she doesn't know what else to do. This doesn't make me happy either.

I don't like breastfeeding. There, I said it. I actually googled "hate breastfeeding" to see if there were other people that felt the same way. Luckily there are. I think people paint this pretty picture of motherhood and breastfeeding and all that but maybe it just isn't me. I don't like leaking everywhere (especially when she is feeding on one side and the other side is just like a faucet). I don't like how much it hurts. I don't like pumping (although I will say that this is less painful than breastfeeding and takes half as long). I don't like having to walk around with my shirt practically off most of the day. I can never get comfortable when I am feeding her. My friend said something about comparing it to a cow and milking, and you know what, that is how I some cow that gets milked a dozen times a day.

I will say, now that we gave her a bottle, I feel a little better. But then this is how last night went:

10:00pm-I fed her. EZ was going to take the next feed so I could sleep for a good chunk of time.

Midnight- she was fussy (I was still awake)...I fixed her swaddle so her arms were out and she went back to sleep.

1:00am-EZ fed her.

3:00am she was fussy but not really awake (but I of course was listening to her)

4:00am-feeding time. I went in and she was all wet through her swaddle and nightgown. So I changed her which she didn't like. And fed her for 20+ min. Swaddled her back up and laid her down to which she woke back up and was all fussy again. I tried to soothe her and nothing...but I smelt that she had pooped and yup she had. So go to changed diaper number 2 and clean her up and she peed all over diaper 3 and herself as I am changing her. By now we are wide awake and it is 4:45am. So I feed her again. 20+ more min of eating a little then almost fall asleep then wake up. Finally I got up and pumped the other side while she fed off the one side because I was just leaking everywhere. Then she spit up everything she ate all over me. So I fed her a little more.

By the time all is said and done and I get her back in bed it is 5:30. Now when EZ was up with his feeding it was 15 1 1/2 hours. And I was actually awake then. What is wrong with this picture.

At 6:10am she was crying again. What the heck, it has only been 40 min child. I woke EZ up and told him to go try to calm her down because I couldn't do it.

By 7:30 she wanted to eat again and so I fed her again.

By 9:00 we had eaten a handful more times of like 10 min at a time and spit up everything about the same number of times.

At 9:30 I left for a run because I needed to get out of the house. :)

When I fed her again at 11:00 for 45 min and then she just yawns and yawns but doesn't want to sleep for 30 min, that is when I start to go crazy. I just laid her down and let her fuss for a while while I finally ate something and EZ went to calm her down (which took another 30 min).

These are the days that I want to crawl into a hole.

See, it isn't all hearts and cuddles and kisses and sweet motherhood (at least for me). On the flip side, everyone seems to tell me that at about 2 months everything gets better...breastfeeding, sleep, everything. So I guess I am halfway there. enough of the bad news. Here are a few pictures from this week.

Here I am in my stylish golf attire:

I found my fingers to suck on one day during a nap:

Look I have a birthmark on my hand just like mommy:


Richelle and Johnny said...

Way to go Mom!!! Thanks for telling it like it is.
Livy is 22 months old and it's hard for us to remember "the early days".
It does keep getting better everyday.
Congratulations! Your little Piper is beautiful!!

Mandy S said...

oh, my goodness!! you are NOT alone!! i felt the same way for about the first 2 months and then it got better...usually better :) really, it gets WAY better when they start sleeping through the night. i hear that happens usually around 8 weeks to 3 months. RB started at 9 weeks. and it was AWESOME, but still, i had days where i cried and/or wanted to crawl in a hole!! just hang in there!! I can truly say i love every minute of motherhood now!! BUT, i still hate breastfeeding. i hated it so much that i started exclusively pumping at about 3 months. now, i hate pumping, but i like it better than breastfeeding! either way, it does all get better AND all moms know that's it's not all hugs and kisses for the first 2-3 months...and even after that! so, really, you're NOT alone!! DO NOT for one second feel guilty about any mommy moment you have!! i can assure you we've all been there!!

Krista said...

Any mom who tells you those first months are all sunshine and flowers is drinking spiked koolaid. The first months are hard - little sleep, new routine, having another living being that relies on you for everything. It is draining and tiresome - but it really does get easier I promise! You and Piper WILL find a routine. She WILL sleep more (and so will you). She WILL feed better. Just think how far she has come in these few weeks. Remember nursing isn't always about feeding, sometimes it is about wanting to be close and comfort. The first three months Piper has to eat a lot more frequently since her stomach is so small (plus growth spurts are closer together), but as she grows and feedings get shorter and further apart. Having a child is difficult, but one of the most rewarding things I have ever done - but it is a lot of sacrifice. You are NEVER alone - rely on your friends and me! Whenever someone asks if you need anything, don't be ashamed to accept the offer. And know that in the long run you'll look back at those first months and they won't seem nearly as bad.

Life on the Cremona said...

Like everyone else said, You are NOT alone. I kind of had to smile when reading this (is that evil of me?) because I was and sometimes AM still on the same roller coaster as you. It was like reading a page out of my blog!
Does EZ ever tell you how tired HE is? Huz tells me sometimes that he's SOOOO tired and I just look at him and then smack him in the back of the head. How can he be tired when he slept the whole night and I was up every two hours?!?! :p
You've been offered lots of great advice and encouragement here. You're doing an AWESOME job just by loving her and trying your best.

Alicia Parr said...

No, it's not easy. Yes, it does get better as you start getting more sleep. BFing gets way easier and even pain free eventually. And, yes, the hormones and sleep deprivation can make even the most stoic woman teary eyed.

My first run after giving birth was after one of "those nights." I was like, screw it, I'm running. I need the endorphins.

Tyler Jorgenson said...

From the perspective of a father of four (yes, I have 4 kids... it's still weird to say) you're doing great. It's good that your husband can help a bit now too.

People always talk about how great it is to have kids, and it really is, but it's not "fun" great. There's a lot of joy in being a parent but not always fun and laughs 24/7. Even the times when it's hard to get up and tend to your kids needs at 3am there is still the joy in being the one that gets to help them.

Keep it up, and pamper yourself now and again, that always seems to help us over here.

Rebecca DeWire said...

You are definitely not alone. I often felt that being home with a newborn can be boring, lonely, and isolating. There are definitely rewards and challenges with each stage, but the challenges at the beginning with a new baby can seem huge. I also strongly disliked breastfeeding and would say that I even hated it! I felt like all I did at the beginning was sit around with my boobs hanging out. I just never really got into it like some people do. I often felt like a partial failure since I supplemented a lot with formula, but it worked for us.

I almost wish that baby #2 would come out as a two yr old! I have found that it is so much work in the beginning, but it gets so much better the older they get.